I never knew I’d have to learn these things. Did you tell me? Did anyone tell us that this was the way it would be?

I never knew what I was supposed to learn until it was too late, and I’ve had to learn everything just after I needed it. It seems that this is the way life works. We are placed in a position to learn to fill it, and we are tested to teach us what we were supposed to have known.

I never knew I’d struggle against myself so hard. I never knew my own sin. I thought that sins were things that we did…things like smoking and drinking and sex and cussing. In Sunday school we would occasionally be asked to examine ourselves, to verify our own sinfulness. I’d go through my life and assess my sins, looking for things like drugs or violence against others or blatant disrespect. It seemed far too foreign to me to suspect myself of being capable of having sex or drinking alcohol or sharing needles or whatever else we were told we’d be tempted by. I’d look around my life looking for dirty spots, and usually I’d satisfy my own need for guilt by telling myself that surely I was guilty of the pride that comes with thinking oneself otherwise sinless.

I can’t remember if I wasn’t told the truth or if I simply couldn’t hear it. I don’t remember hearing that I’d have far more grievous things to deal with, things more sinister and far more addictive than opiates or sensuality. I don’t remember hearing that my heart would yearn for everything it thought might heal it, and that it would drive me insane with the fruitlessness of my search. I’d been told that one day I might find myself tempted to wallow in filth and the vileness we saw in rated R movies, and I learned that going to church regularly and reading my Bible every day would prevent me from these sins that would ensnare the less religious. And I learned that this idea always ought to be followed by a footnote explaining that my faith and God’s grace were really what was saving me, even if it didn’t seem that way.

I can’t remember being told how I’d have to wrestle with myself, how I’d fight--my mind against my heart and my heart always winning. I can’t remember being told that I’d need so desperately…that the very same madness that drove evil people to kill and hate and be vile would afflict me just the same, and would drive me to tear myself apart at every failure, every personal slight, every time I’m not loved in the way that I know I need but I’m not sure I deserve.

I never knew I’d have to learn to turn this engine of desperation, love, and need heavenward, or that there was even Someone who was supposed to make it run. I never knew I’d be driven by it to begin with. I guess life was too simple for that much need back then. I walk through life every day and see all these people who are driven by the same thing, and maybe they don’t look at themselves closely enough to even know what they are doing. They’ll fuel it with little earthly things that can get them through a day, and I suppose maybe that works. It works like the Greek myth of Tantalus, who was punished by being made to forever stand in a pool of water under the branches of a fruit tree, and the water would recede whenever he bent down to drink, and the branches lifted every time he reached for a fruit. And so many of us live, ever bending to drink water that we cannot get, reaching for fruit that is just beyond our grasp. Too many of us content ourselves in the pursuit of these unattainable satisfactions, and that hope--- the hope of one day achieving what we secretly know we cannot reach--forms the motivation that carries us one day at a time until our days are spent.

I never knew that my intentions could feel so innocent and my actions seem so normal, while my heart could struggle so desperately. I didn’t know it could look like waiting for a phone call from a friend, like opening a birthday present, like a hug or several words spoken in kindness. It can be a fragile secret, shared in confidence. It can be the desire to be trusted or needed. I had no idea that my desperation could seek to be satisfied by such good and pure things as true friendships or honest pursuits; and that these things, as the objects of my affections, would distort into sources of pain and discontent when they inevitably fail to be everything I need.

I never knew that each thing I thought I needed from people, I really needed from God. I had no idea that this truth would be so all-inclusive. Each thing I think I need from people, I really need it from God. I didn’t know that this truth is most important when it seems most impractical—in those moments where God and his love seem to be the last thing that could solve the situation. Where you are tempted to feel, This is real life. This is not the time to talk about vague theological concepts like love and grace and God. This is here and now, what I need and what I’m not getting. Save God for when times are good, after I get this settled, that is when this truth is most vital. I didn’t know God was supposed to meet my needs every day.

But most importantly, I didn’t know that salvation came so quickly. I didn’t know that an understanding of God’s perfect love for me could set everything aright so fast. All it takes is for me to remember that God loves me. GOD loves me. God LOVES me. God loves ME. His heart aches when mine does. His soul glories in my joy. He waits for me to call, and calls when I need to be needed. He pursued me in my worthlessness and gave me value. Not some value, as all earthly values are. Not comparable value, or measurable worth, but infinite value. To be wanted by God is to be more than perfectly esteemed, for what can perfection want but something more than perfection? I am far more than OK. Far better than enough. The most beautiful part of this whole thing is this: that the deeper my need and the hungrier my desperation, the greater the joy in it’s fulfillment. What infinite joy is mine, that so desperate a person should be faced with such a source of infinite satisfaction! I am like a starving man who is seated at a feast who is blessed to forever desire for what sits right in front of him, and to endlessly be satisfied by what he desires most.